Always kind of teetering on the bipolar 

Just little pieces
Of poems
Scattered on the floor
. . . forgotten
another symbol of
promises I wouldnt keep.
And the time 
that they say flies
Seems to stand still
Like a tension
So thick it's tangible
An effervescent 
Memory of me
That wags her 
dissappointed finger
At the stale mate
That surrounds me
Reminds me
That this can't go on forever
Who was I, if not always
That girl at 19
Dreaming about life
. . . And you
The infallible promise
Of the charmed existence
And the bullshit
Semantics
They flutter around me
Butterflies on fire.
It's not the kind if thing
You want to capture
The fire will
Most assuredly
Extinguish once suffocated
And isn't that really
The fucked up truth
Behind the intellect
And philosophies
My sparkle
Requires a small amount
Of conflict
And amorous turmoil
It will start to fade otherwise
The poems will become
Just shredded pieces
Scattered on the floor
Which lack the tragedy
Necessary to emit passion
I'm more translucent 
Than I think I am
I know
A little bit sexy 
A little bit crazy
Always kind of 
Teetering on the bipolar

08.05.10 

. . . One for our history book

This heartbreak
It's one for the history books
It lasts a life time
It lasts . . . 
As long as you want it to
Because inevitably
You are always 
The deciding factor.
This is one to remember
It's tangible . . .
It sounds like
Shattering class
On a marble floor.
And this
Seemingly perfect place
This marble palace
It's breakable
In a way you never knew
I never knew
About the compromises
And the line in the sand
That just kept getting
Pushed back a little further.
This heart break
Resonates around the world
You can hear it from 
Anywhere you are
It sounds like a
Broken promise
Or a hope . . . 
newly forgotten
It feels like
Disenchantment . . . 
Apathy . . .
I wonder how 
I never noticed it fading
I wonder 
If you ever noticed
One moment 
After another
After another
Leads to this one . . .
This one heartbreaking minute
It's one that lasts a lifetime
Whether silently
Whether outloud . . .
Whether in prose
It's one 
for our history book . . .  

Just a moment . . .

It's just a moment
Like a thousand others
Special only because
It's with you
It will fade
Time will tarnish the vivid coloring
But I will always 
Remember it
And how it made my
Soul sparkle. 
Just this moment
That came and went 
Too quickly
That's now all but vanished
But like the thousand before it
It still makes my heart smile
When I think of you
A compilation of moments
Romantic and special
Intense and hilarious
Sad and uncomfortable
This one
Like a thousand before it
Is made special
Only by your part in it
And how you're a part of me
All this time
All these years
Every single moment
Like this one
I remember them 
In a song, in a poem
I remember you
Always as you were
The first moment 
I knew I loved you
Time passes, friends go away
Milestones forget us
And you are still here
My very favorite of blessings
The flutter in my heart
The blushing on my cheeks
Is still for you
And all this time
And all these faded moments
Can not dilude you
And how you still make me
Laugh and cry
Scream and get frustrated
Fight and get sad.
It's just a moment
Like a thousand that came before it
And the thousand still to come
Made special only
Because it's with you.

The very favorite of muses

You are
like the silver
In the moonlit sky
And lit up in that way
You seem like magic
For all the hours that you shine.
You are
Like the gold
In the setting sun
I stand in reflection of it
And I always feel warmer
You are
Like fire on water
And all the ambiguities
In between
Are definative
Of every single one
of your oxymoronic
Personality traits.
You're like shades of gray
And misinterpretations
Like those unintelligible song lyrics
that people always sing wrong.
And everything in the middle
And all the things they don't see
Is just who you are
When no one is looking.
You are
That song
With great lyrics
That I can't hear
Often enough
The one I always only
Catch in the middle
And always want
To hear again.
You are
100 things
To look foward to
When it's bad
When it's good
And all the things in the middle.
You are
The happiest of mediums,
The most gorgeous of blessings,
The fire in the sky,
The butterfly in the pit of my stomach . . .
My very favorite of muses

Not that girl

Maybe I never
Should have told you
Because once you know
It's always easier
to use it against me
But I'm not that girl
The one who puts up
With your inconsiderate
Bullshit
And all that
Swagger and charm
That you think will always
Fix what you do wrong
Will always submit itself
To the ugliness
That comes from
Being a shitty friend.
I'm the best friend
You'll ever have
But I'm not that girl
The ones that's gonna get
Trampled on
Because of your
Incessant bad mood
The one that
Keeps coming back
Because she likes
To be mistreated.
You must not have known,
So here's a lesson:
I'm the girl who will
Get your back
Until the day the world ends
The bestie that will
Punch a bitch
For breaking your heart
I'll always treat your birthday
Like a national holiday
I'm that friend
That will listen to all your problems,
Even the trite ones
And I'll fix them
If I'm able, every single one.
But I'm not that girl . . .
The one that's gonna
Keep doing it . . .
After you've stopped being worth it.

My epitome of perfect

He's better in every single way
He always knows what to say to me
And when to not say anything
He's loved me my whole adult life
He knows when to say yes 
. . . And when to say hell no
He looks right through me 
And sees the truth in my eyes
He knows everything about me
. . . Including the shitty stuff
He turned 19, 20, 21 with me
And he's not afraid of my sister.
He's all the things I ever dreamed of
Plus a little bit more
He's my epitome of perfect.

03.31.2010

Boys whose love breaks my heart

You break my heart
A little bit at a time
Every time I hurt you
Every time I said goodbye
I lost a little piece of you
I let you go
Not on any particular day
I let you go
One moment at a time
I looked at you
And decided you were disposable
And decided you weren’t the one
And finally I looked at you
And you had already left me
No longer angry
No longer hurt
Just used to it
Just used to me
Never choosing you.
Your love breaks my heart
When I remember it
I close my eyes and I smile
And I remember you
Being such a good friend
And I miss you
A little bit at a time
But when the moment
Reconciles itself to the truth
It just is what it is
Its just you presenting yourself
As a choice that never occurred to me
Because I never thought
You would let me go
Your love breaks my heart
It never was you
And though I always knew it
You had to figure it out
One moment at a time
With every choice I made
Never being you.
You break my heart
a little bit at a time
The memory will always be
a happy one
but inevitably
I let you go too long ago
to still be able to say im sorry
and have it mean anything

07.14.08

what you ask for . . .

You should be careful 
what you ask for
You're sure to get it
And keep it, even when you realize
It isn't what you wanted
Life isn't full of sunshine
But sometimes I just want 
To light up your day
It's not meant to be a nuisance
It's just your perspective
It's just how you take it
And I wish you'd change your mind
And I wish you wouldn't
Walk around life with your eyes closed 
You're bound to hurt yourself that way
. . . If you haven't already.
Nothing I do or say 
Will ever matter
As much as how you take it
And that will make all the difference
I just wish you'd watch your words
And be careful what you ask for.

Self indulgent . . . I guess

I felt it sizzle away
And tried desperately to grasp it
And keep it from floating off
I watched it fly above me
Into the sky, 
Where I couldn't reach it
I cried a little
But knew I couldn't stop it
You always get what you need
Even if it isn't what you want
I've learned that lesson
Too many heartbreaking times
And I never figure it out
In time to save myself
From watching it float slowly away
And I've never figured it out in time
To know when to stop trying
to keep what isn't mine
I'm self indulgent I guess
Always wanting everything
That I instantly fall in love with
It never occurrs to me
How getting it will change my world
I inevitably end up 
Watching from below
As it floats away
And I sob
And I write
And I blame everyone but me
I felt it sizzle away
And before it was too late
I tried to hold it as close as possible
I cried and begged 
To try and preserve the feeling
But it inevitably floated away from me
Nonetheless.

The firelight that never dwindles

I love the love song
That sings just how I feel
And the rainy days
And the cloudy skies
And all the things 
That inspire melancholy
And all the things that inspire love
I love the stinging
In the tips of my fingers
That tells me I'm still alive
And the switch in my brain
That lets me describe in words
Just how you make me feel
I love a well written love song
And stories that make me cry
I love the passionate kiss
Up against the wall
That ends an argument
And all the things in between
I love how I'm constantly on fire
And how when I love you
 . . . I really love you
And how when I hate you
. . . I can't think about anything else
I love how I want to scream out loud
And hit you
And kiss you
The firelight that never dwindles
Is just you and I
I love how it still feels that way
. . . Feels like this
And even the 10 millionth kiss
Is still just as debilitating 
As the first.  

. . . sitting in a moment

Sitting in a moment
That's sure to last forever
And you look at me
And I never want you to stop
You look like youre
Seeing right through me
And all my semtantics
And all my bullshit
And you keep looking
Even after I get nervous
And do something stupid
To break the moment
And when you finally stop
I wish you hadn't
I feel that ever indicative sting
In the tips of my fingers
And I long for the moment 
You'll do it again
And I think about it
After the fact
It makes my heart race
And my cheeks turn red
And I wish I'd paid better attention
And I pray you didn't notice 
That I giggled nervously
And how I had to look away
And it breaks my heart
Just a little bit
With it's intensity
One if those stares 
That lasts a lifetime 
With a pair of eyes
That seem to watch over you
While you sleep
And when the moment 
Submits itself to reality
I breathe deeply
And try to regain my composure

Stupidity

this one's an oldy but a goody :)
*********************************

Stupidity.
Someone told me
I would love you
Stupidly --
like I
didn't know
like I
wasn't scared
Stupidly --
I lost you
I stupidly
got you back,
Like I wouldn't
be stupid again
Faithfully
I sang this song
at the top
of my lungs
I make sense
I make
sense
of you.
I make
sense
so I won't be
loving stupidly
Some laughed
That -- stupidly
you don't love me
you can't see
you don't know
you need me,
stupidly.
Be wrong,
be sorry
be too late
to laugh back.
Stupidly --
someone claimed
that I stupidly
loved a man
stupid enough
to convince himself
to not
love me back . . .

*Stupidly
I went back,
claiming greatness
and loved you anyways . . .
stupid maybe.

04.22.2001

At a Desk . . .

I used to wish for . . .
I used to dream about . . .
A life less ordinary
A love more spectacular
A charisma -- unique to me
I'm surrounded by it.
I am who I always
wanted to be.
Sitting undisturbed
at a desk
With tear jerking songs
echoing beside me
and just writing . . .
I'm just a "poetry girl"
as he used to say . . .
I just love
love stories . . .
And ours is my favorite!
I used to wish for . . .
I used to dream about . . .
A life less ordinary.
I want to be
Someone's hero,
Someone's best friend
Someone's inspiration . . .
I'm surrounded by it.
I am
Who I always wanted to be.

01.26.2009

Sidewalk Chalk Propaganda

The sidewalk chalk propaganda
warned me to beware of fading music
"music" which I interpreted back then
to be the voice of my spirit
my imagination
my creativity
my innate sense of rebellion.
So I kept it guarded,
no entirely sure who or what
might be coming to silence it.
All the "truths" I discovered
in those two years
seemed to awaken me
to urge me to be a person
I had always just imagined . . .
she seemed infallible
she seemed to be the most
magical version of myself
I wasn't sure I was up to the task
of finding a way to let that voice
resonate through me
and manifest itself into
a fully functioning "Patricia"
Patty was always more familiar
more comfortable
Patty walked down the street with me
paying no attention
to the world around her . . .
humming songs in her head
. . . the soundtrack to a dreamy existence
"Patricia" . . . a seemingly more
unattainable friend . . .
was scary, like my big sister
and revolutionary, like my
reluctantly feminist Mom.
She had long thick flowing hair
she wore a pinstriped suit . . .
and fairly uncomfortable expensive shoes.
The sidewalk chalk propaganda
didnt tell me how to reconcile
"Patty" with "Patricia"
And all the "truths" I learned
in my 2 years at a fancy beach front university
never showed me how
to resolve the theoretical to the actual
. . . even after a 20 page, long winded feminist theory
about that exact issue.
The little things never occur to a dreamer . . .
dinner cooking, can't ditch work,
can't stay up til 3 in the morning writing poetry
can't let the soundtrack playing in your head
. . . drown out the sound of the world.
I spent my first 3 years on my own
complaining about grad school
. . . hating the law
. . . crying way too much
. . . fighting with my boyfriend
. . . refusing to wash a dish of any sort
. . . judgmentally dismissing the advise
of the two strongest women I know
and afraid
that what I had always been so careful to avoid
had conquered me nonetheless
the music in my head had abandoned me
. . . and I never even noticed it fading.

enough of tortured souls

I think I've had enough
of the tortured souls
to last me a whole life time
all the complaining
and the crying
is it really THAT bad
does everyone REALLY hate you
THAT much?
He did it the same way
the sad face
the talk of injustice
that feeling
that nothing was really fair.
He did it with blue eyes
that watered when he spoke
and he wrote how he felt
in red ink
in sentences that made you weep
and you knew he really believed it
when he said
he was probably meant to be alone.
But you knew he wasn't
because how could anyone
so amazing
be fated to loneliness?
Someone loved him
even more than he realized
and I suspect its the same for you
even when you look sad
even when you don't understand
why some things just aren't fair.
I think I've had enough
of the tortured souls
to know how the story ends
its always happy
because how cant it be
for someone so amazing.
And me . . .
just another step on the way
a better friend probably
than I should be
But I guess inevitably
I'm a sucker
for a tortured soul . . .